“In essence, the only way to grow spiritually, know ourselves, or be of essence, is to embrace the sense of being out of control, just as the caterpillar knows that by entering the cocoon and abandoning the security of his many legs he is being offered the abundant freedom which is the butterfly.” That is from a favorite book: “Spiritual Alchemy” by Dr Christine Page.

I am still inside a cocoon though I’m turning 71 tomorrow. Because of a mild stroke in 2012 I no longer have the security of my left leg and I’m not about to abandon the security of my right leg. I am still not ready for the abundant freedom offered by flying out of control.

I still want to hang on to some of my old, limiting beliefs simply because they they have been of service in the past and are not part of the dark, scary unknown. My many books promise a bright future but Ive always been risk-aversed.

Andrew Weill’s advice is “I am comfortable with uncertainty, and I advise you to learn to be as well. We live in an uncertain universe.”

According to the “Urban Shaman”: “All meanings are made up and the absolute truth is whatever you decide it is”

Dr Page says: “This may sound sacrilegious and I have no wish to trample on anybody’s beliefs. However, I believe that breaking this spell is an essential part of remembering, allowing each of us to reconnect to a deeper, inner truth, the soul of the universe and essentially with the Oneness of the Divine.”

In the 90s I went into severe depression. It may have been a case of dark nights of the soul. But I have awakened. I have no ambition to liken myself to Van Gogh not to Albert Camus.

Ever Lent I have chosen to view the Passion and the Resurrection from a different perspective.  According to M. Tamura:
“Every time a soul is born into the earth, God dies giving that life, entering the material world to give that soul a body. Spirit must relinquish infinity for the finite, eternity for the terminal and immortality for the mortal.”

Like Rabbi Darfour, I don’t like anthropomorphizing God but I can’t help imagining how suffocating it must be for expansive Spirit to be contained within the confines of a body. For a lifetime, spirit must be limited to mundane thoughts; Spirit must be imprisoned in time and space; Spirit must contend with separation when it naturally thrives in oneness.

On oneness Esther Hicks has this to say:
“…Before your physical birth, you were vibrationally intertwined with Source, or with what humans oten call God but the full integration of you with God was such that there was no relationship between the two – because you wer all one.”

“Zero Limits” says :
“… you are created in the image of the divine. That means you were created void on one side of the coin and infinite. As soon as you are willing o let go of trash and be empty, then immediately what happens is inspiration fills your being and now you are born free.”

M. Tamura says:
“As we awaken our consciousness and grow in this field, so too our God-seed grows until we finally harvest the totality of divinity from this field.”
“In a sense, we resurrect God with our expanding awareness and love, little by little from our unconscious.”

It may be because of my scoliosis.I meditate better when my back is flat in bed than when I sit according to the traditional meditation posture. I don’t have to waste time dealing with aches and other distracting stimuli that call attention to body care.

Many meditation teachers will not approve of my chosen posture for meditation but it has worked for me. My mind is disciplined enough not to fall asleep. Rather late but thank god for the realization that:
“We are taught by unspoken rules that govern our society that the way to acceptance is to blend with others, to fit in, to mold ourselves to the pattern of normality.”

“This is necessary to establish stability in a group.”

Now that I have formally retired from the academe I know :”It is hard emotional work to be ourselves when we need to defy conventional rules to be who we honestly are.” This is from “The Artist’s Way”

My meditation scheme works for me because of what I have learned from the “Urban Shaman” that : “Inspiration and solutions to problems that may be unrelated to what you have are focusing on often break through. This is also principally an effect of relaxation plus previous intent or desire.”

The basic self governs he physical body, our emotions and the subconscious mind. It isn’t capable of rational thought. It simply does what it has been programmed to do by nature, by childhood messages and by adult learning.

Since it is childlike, the basic self is also impressed by authority – so it can be wise to read books or go to lectures which confirm what we already know, to reassure our basic self that our ideas are not so crazy after all. These paragraphs are from “Stepping into the Magic” by Gill Edwards.

The paragraphs must explain why at age 70 I find it hard to act on new beliefs especially when it concerns ethical behavior or just plain behavior. I need to draw inspiration and strength from my favorite authors like: Dr Christine Page, Michael Tamura, Sylvia Boorstein, Martha Beck, Mike Dooley, etc. I need their authority so I can give myself permission to change.

The basic self is more impressed by actions than by thoughts. By using our physical body, by taking action, we build a bridge between the inner and outer worlds – and open ourselves to change. Whatever you wish to do, it is crucial to take action – however small, however symbolic – to tell your basic self that you’re serious about it.

This is still from Gill Edwards
For my customized self care, I had to actually try several versions of a no slt, no fat diet to drastically lower ny blood pressure after another trip to the emergency room last January. I discovered how palatable my meals could be with apple cider vinegar. My health issues have made me creative and inventive.

“Chutzpah is  the Yiddish word for nerve… It takes real chutzpah for anyone to try to outline for another the components of a well-reasoned faith. faith is such a personal matter that what one person says can, at best only partially satisfy (or dissatisfy) another!”  These are precious words from Rabbi Belfour Brickner.

He continued:” Any faith worthy of a personal commitment needs to begin with a belief in oneself… This aphorism comes very close to saying it all. Until and unless one has a healthy ego, one will not only be unable to lead or guide others, but one will also be unable to make up one’s own mind and thus become easy prey for others who have strong opinions and even stronger convictions.”

Although I am approaching 71 years, coming from an educational system where conformity, obedience, and compliance were considered premium, my ego is still undergoing reconstructive rehab. In another essay I wrote why I rely heavily on my favorite authors to integrate my new beliefs and values.

For a meaningful life Victor Frankel had this to say: “The answer lay in the way each individual thought of himself or herself.”

“As long as they found some meaning in their day-to-day existence, as long as they looked forward to some small survival goal, they had a better chance of making it than those who lived only in the past.”

“His faith was pinioned on a sense of self: I am worthwhile. I have something to live for.”

According to Rabbi Brickner: “Frankel lived by a quotation from the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche: He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how.”

The early first-century rabbis, according to Brickner interpreted the biblical phrase “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself to mean You shall love your neighbor, he is yourself.