I was in high school when I awakened to the fact that my family was dysfunctional. The realization would not have such an impact on me had it not been for the persistent running commentaries of my mind. I know now that I had the Monkey Mind that early. This used to be called “self-talk”.
My elementary years even when my family was starting to deteriorate into disfunctionality had the vestiges of normalcy. School was work and play. Play on weekends was whole day events in the homes of classmates or school friends. The weekends during my high school
years were escapes from home problems. Fortunately, I never seemed to run out of invitations to homes of classmates or school friends.
The running mental commentaries would persist through my college years even through my years as a teacher. Understandably as a teacher I would rehearse my script for my classes. There was plenty of rehearsing and rehashing. I engaged in lots of turning over in my mind. But my monologues would sometimes not be about my classes. They would often involve “What ifs” which most likely didn’t happen. Ironically I was made to believe it was normal for a “bright” person like me. Back then it was “in” to be an intellectual, even a pseudo-intellectual would be respected in the community. It was in the 90s when I felt it wasn’t normal. Juggling time among my many roles as a wife and as a mother of a high school student vying for top honors became extremely exhausting for me. The many self-help books I was reading convinced me it was time to explore other paradigms. It was time to live in a redeemed world no longer in the valley of tears. It was time for some peace even for a “bright” person like me. Besides I didn’t want our only daughter to follow my pathway.
Today the Monkey Mind is still alive in me. In the past I entertained murderous thoughts about it but I learned it would be disastrous. I have learned, thanks to my many books, to peacefully co-exist with it. Even in my moments of silence I am aware of the humming of my mental tape recordings. They are no longer as menacing. They are no longer continuous repetitions of threats and “What ifs.” Every so often I get replays of happy memories.
As far as I can remember I never enjoyed being like anybody else. Maybe it was because early in life I sensed I suffered in comparison with the rest of my siblings where looks were concerned. Before formal schooling I discovered I had a knack for making friends in the neighborhood. I had a lot of friends from various age groups. This gave me a blanket permission to go from house to house not necessarily to play but simply to sit down and be with adults.
When not busy with games at home under the leadership of Baby, my older sister, I would be across the street with my playmate, Bella. We were best friends till just before she got married. Naturally, I couldn’t be the number “three” in the crowd.
With formal schooling, my life of compliance began. I was certainly different from the rest. No longer the playful person that I was, my life was a constant obedience to family, school, church rules and to those of society in general. Life was simple then. I mistakenly thought that academic honors were the be-all and end-all of life. Luckily, I always had a big-enough circle of friends to save me from isolation.
Nowadays, I choose not to resist. I remain open to my anxieties, fears and judgments but without grasping, without an overarching demand for quiet. Equanimity. I stand firm in the midst of the strong winds attempting to intimidate me. The challenge for me is to stay awake to the realization that my mind, especially because of my long years of teaching, sees the world from past experiences. My mind has been structured, cramped by the second hand information and conditioning by my own personality, my temperament, family, the church, the school and my relationships. Hemmed in by dictates of conformity, to comply lest I fail to be rewarded by society in general, I traded in my true nature to forge new paths. I was like Esau; I traded my birthright to greatness for a measly pot of porridge.
With the help of my self-help books, I have seen more than a glimmer of hope. I do have a choice to break free from my self-imposed prison walls. I don’t have to be determined or limited by my past. I have awakened to the obvious that rules are mere guidelines. I can spend the NOW in a more relaxed manner instead of bypassing the joys of the moment to rush to the future. I have decided to cultivate a sense of humor badly needed to negotiate a glorious life in this ever-changing world. I have chosen a pathway that makes friends with my body and especially my mind.”I am willing”. This signifies that right here and now I am ready to go ahead with my life without being forced to