David Victor Photography

This morning I realized I have so much in my life especially in our condo. After I got two plants, I have been coveting, anything else in the condo would be superfluous. But I felt a colorful whirling garden décor wanting “to join up” with me. I must have thought of the décor for quite some time. My thinking must have been haphazard. Eventually I saw three of these in the salon I patronize. The décor manifested elsewhere prompting me to further delay my gratification.

Yesterday I finally acted on my desire by inquiring about the price – very affordable. But I didn’t feel enough motivation to buy one. I must have been suppressing my materialistic inklings. I read that the materialism springs from our fundamental inadequacies. Early on I was initiated into the popular belief that there is something basically flawed in me as well as in everybody else. We have all been banished from the Garden of Eden. To recover our lost inheritance we have to toil and struggle – “by the sweat of our brow”.

My Buddhist books have taught me not to add suffering to my pains. I saw the décor would clash with the minimalist design of our condo. I chose not to struggle with the desire for the décor. I realized the minimalist theme was more desirable to me.

So I took for granted I had to earn every good thing. After my elementary school years, family life confirmed that this indeed is a “valley of tears.” It was difficult to believe that there was a benevolent world to start with. Anything good seemed to emanate from outside myself: financial support from relatives, happy times with neighbors and schoolmates, alleviation of physical pains from Dad and from other doctors. I didn’t have any inkling about my creative power.

For a long time even God was a distant concept. He had to be recognized and acknowledged because those in authority said so. It was as if we were helpless characters in a tragic novel with no way to act independently from the script written for us. I remember my mother was forever chained to her rosary. I suspected she feared that the meager resources she was doled out with to give her family a decent life would be forfeited if she stopped praying.

I grew up having no model for abundant living. Come to think of it, who had models for abundance? Those who lived lives of comfort and plenty were considered special children of God and were simply entitled. This may be similar to the popular belief that the Jews were meant to be rich. They were God’s people; if they were poor how could they not be included in God’s bounty? There was no point in questioning things until I awakened.

Luckily, I grew up with a lot of patrons: aunties, families of playmates, nuns cousins from both my paternal and maternal sides etc. Around three years ago I read a book about a samurai who defied traditions and emerged to be great. The samurai weathered hardship after hardship. He waited for opportunities. At the right time he seized the opportunity. The samurai came into power by using his mind. The book confirmed what I suspected was my gift. The one thing I had always been sure was my gift was my mind.

I have read enough books to warn me against the negative power of the mind. We are all interconnected although by nature I am not excited over interconnections. My preference is to interact only with a selected few. Needless to say, to stay in my comfort zone, I interact only with Emil and our daughter. I often choose to be attuned only to those who can uplift me spiritually because I am highly sensitive. My sensitivity is not related to being hurt emotionally or physically. I refer to being overwhelmed by stimuli. It is as though my nervous antenna is forever picking up vibrations from around me. There is always an urge to respond to stimulus after stimulus ranging from media to personal interactions. Protecting myself can be tiring. I have yet to learn to resonate only to higher frequencies but this can also be tiring. I have yet to learn to be discriminating about when and to which stimulus to respond.