Extremely ridiculous but till recently I felt responsible for the happiness of our only daughter living in London as well as for the safety of my husband who at 70 still commutes to a university in Malabon and to another university in busy Mendiola. Ridiculous indeed!

Since 2014 till only recently in 2015 our daughter had challenges both at work and in her relationship. This was exacerbated by my interpretation of what Neale Walsch wrote about God not having a plan for me nor for anybody else. Where was divine providence which made me feel secure all these years? Is this adult Faith?

For around 2 months I had peace knowing our daughter was happy in a new relationship. Then she pushed my panic button when she texted she has resurrected her plan to go to Israel in February 2016. Goodness! Not at this time. I was still recovering from the Paris bombings. She was supposed to go to Paris the week after the bombings.

Then on Nov. 222015, my husband flew to Indonesia to lecture in an international conference. Days before, honestly, weeks before I was worried sick because of the “laglag bala” in our airports. Fantastic! To think I was seriously into consciousness change as taught by George Sison and Tato Malay.

Law of Attraction! When I needed to be secure, our daughter was out of reach. My Buddhist books would not allow me to castigate myself. Monkey mind was in full blast.

Sylvia Boorstein wrote: “My first response – in addition to the recognition of the pain – is not to be mad at it or myself for falling into it.”

Michael Tamura wrote: “Why is it so hard to let pain or a problem just be? Most often it’s because we’re afraid that if we don’t do something about it, we’ll
be stuck with it forever.”
Dec , 2015

What! I’m in a repeat pattern again! The daughter texted about her work challenges with her boss. She even thinks of resigning. But she is cheerful an confident unlike in the past. She has an array of higher bosses on her side.

Meantime my husband was at a Christmas party with his former students from Batangas – from grade school!

Yet my body reacted. I was in pain. (metaphysical) So I recalled Boorstein’s words: “… this isn’t what I wanted but this is what I got.” “The mind having given up the fight for another reality, is free to console, free to support the mind’s acceptance of the situation, free to allow space for new possibilities to come into view.”

I’m glad that I have comfortably accepted Who-I-Really-Am before this 2015 ends!

Dr Page wrote: “But where the leaders of the tribe or family…demand[ing] strict adherence to their rules leading to a fake sense of security.” This interpretation of the sacral chakra summarizes my worldview from birth till even the early years of my senior life. I was lulled into compliance in exchange for the comforts of false security.

I erroneously clung “onto old redundant sources of assurance most of which revolve around deeply engrained belief systems energized by fear.”

During my childhood, I rightly or wrongly perceived that one rated with the tribe when one had physical beauty. I was no beauty but I was smart. I don’t remember how I did it but I became a favorite in the neighborhood even in households without children of my age. Of course I practically lived with a neighbor, a year younger than I was. I eventually became a constant companion of an aunt 3 or more years older than I was. We were college classmates in two or three subjects.

The clan eventually recognized me because of my academic honors. Hind sight. Garnering academic honors from grade school to college was no big deal, the educational system being mostly rote memory during my time.

I did not realize till in the 90s that after the many years of compliance my indigenous self craved for more than just  obeying rules.

As expected part of the tribal rules was being a good Catholic. I think I even surpassed the standards of my uncles and aunts!

I can relate to much of what Dr Page wrote about the base chakra but I choose not to energize my woundedness.  I learned this from Caroline Myss years ago.

Having lied in a middle class community among relatives and friends  for thirty-five years, my psyche must have been shocked with conditions in a homey gated row of apartments in a crowded street parallel to Taft Avenue. However I must have gotten used to the culture eventually.

After more than a year living in a comfortable condo I had a mild stroke. I am now able to connect my mild stroke to my self-critical pains.

My years in my middle class environment before I got married suffused me with values from home school, church and society reeking wit a worldview that bordered on martyrdom.
“Sacrifice.”  “Try and try harder”. “Your body must be tamed”.

I failed to realize what Dr Page wrote: “Rules and laws are not necessarily laid down to make life difficult; they are facts.
“The first rules laid down are those provided by parents guardians, and teachers who essentially wish to offer protective guidance within the earthly environment.”
“Unfortunately, in many cases the rules flavored with the biases, the emotions and the experiences of the adviser…and therefore the rule does not follow a logical pattern.”

Living in our condo has given me a lot of liberation from my early limiting beliefs. I have enjoyed life. But deep down I must have been still the good, compliant girl of my past. I need to review what Dr Page wrote about being disloyal to the tribe in “Frontiers of Health”.