I achieved goals but I was often too exhausted to enjoy what I had done. I looked for what was next, never what was right in front of me. It was no fun. That was Maria Nemeth. The above statement echoed what Emil used to remind me when I was in depression. “You solve one problem and immediately look for another.”
I should have learned: observe mental states without identification with them, without going into the urgently felt need to express them, but also just as important without repressing them and instead merely getting to know them as they are. In other words, just observe my thoughts.
But what a waste of time. The urge was to fix things right away.
Apparently nothing is happening in my life since I don’t have a paying job anymore. This was how I was made to understand life; I still subscribed to the dictum of: “by the sweat of thy brow”.
It is as if I haven’t learned the updated version of the Eden story. It is back in my childhood years when I was struggling with my dysfunctional family. Memories that need healing.I have been reassured by both Emil and Julie Anne that it’s okay for me to be jobless. It has been taking me a lifetime to convince myself that it is so.
Weeks ago a plum opportunity presented itself. One of Emil’s Chinese students asked for English tutorials. It turned out to be more than just tutorials for both of us. It gave both of us new world views. For my part, I received a wealth of fresh ideas from a non-Christian from Generation X.
In moments of control, I can hear my Monkey Mind arguing. I would like to believe I am not idle at all. I do a lot of spiritual work managing subtle energy to attract the good into my life. My life has been a fountain of blessings for my significant others. Whatever good I bring into my life I process in my cauldron, brew it into a beneficial concoction I can share with the world.
I do a lot of sorting out. I move to the “compassionate “ bin of my mind my hurts, resentments and frustration. I am compelled to do my soul’s work. I feel a kind of predestined calling that can’t be silenced. This must have been an element code implanted in my being.
My memory bytes have a bigger capacity for what is positive and inspiring. But old habits have a way of crawling back even threatening to return in stronger waves.
I notice lately I am able to influence Emil to at least consider my slant towards what is related to individualizing. My fundamental belief is ultimately all decisions are individual choices whether they are done with duress or in freedom. Social conditionings can affect the quality of the decisions but still decisions are individual choices. I speak of responsible persons with a developed inner life.
Likewise, Julie Anne is appreciative of my reminders towards building her inner life in the context of her success at work. I observed she had a significant personal experience of the Almighty during her recent trip to Switzerland where she discovered god in Nature. Boorstein has a Buddhist saying: “What I do matters, but I am not in charge.”
I came across relevant ideas in a book by Dr. Mann. I am fascinated by the fact that this book was a constant companion of mine when I was depressed in the 90s. This is the 21st century now but his ideas are still relevant and more significantly fresh! Nowadays I turn to Dr. Mann to give me permission to stop my Monkey Mind. To Rene Descartes’ famous “I think therefore I am” Dr Mann has a compassionate rebuttal. He wrote: “I don’t think therefore I am.”
I have to silence my Monkey Mind. Instead I will allow myself to be drawn to more meditations; less reliance on my senses but instead be more trusting on my developing intuition. By intuition I don’t mean the popular ESP. By intuition I mean an inner knowing attained by empowering my inner life over and above my rational mind. By intuition I mean the power to discriminate between and among choices. One practical tool to attain this is postural exercises to straighten, strengthen and align the spine. This has been known to bypass the rational mind.
Those who practice yoga can attest to this.