The mental work that has helped me to health consists partly of my daily crossword puzzles. I have stayed away from the hospital since 1996 but I started solving puzzles on a daily basis only in 2004 before Emil and I went to Sydney for the first time. My puzzles have moved me out of numerous obsessive – compulsive situations. Some compulsions lasted for months then tapered to weeks and then to days. Very often now I can snap out of compulsive attacks after rounds of mental exercises which gently coax me into mindfulness.

The crossword puzzles have also taught me an important lesson: to consider other points of view even when I was almost sure of my opinion. The clues to the answers very often can be interpreted in more ways than one. For example what I have in mind may be an answer under the category of music but the correct answer may be from an entirely different  classification. I was dismayed when the clue was “newsworthy exile of 1986” and  the answer was  “Marcos”.  I didn’t expect the Philippines would be featured in the Los Angeles Times puzzle. Eventually Lea Salonga was also featured. The answers are always final; I can only accept the answers.

Once in a while I am amused by the quaint twists the published answers to the puzzles assume. There were times when I researched from the many dictionaries I own plus the various encyclopedias in our library, only to find out that the answers were taken from current advertisements from the USA or from England. Many times the clues were from food brands including food for dogs and cats in the United States.

Today before I typed this essay, I realized deep seated addictions, but luckily  never substance addictions , especially tied up with painful memories about Dad still make me cry. I cry over the tragedy of a man so advanced for his time therefore so misunderstood. The crossword puzzles are healthful avenues for the use of my memory; they bring me to the past but never long enough to get me stuck.

For years I no longer have excruciating headaches. I believe my headaches have been relieved primarily through reflexology and some selected exercises from Barbara Eden’s book “The Energy Medicine”.  I enjoy the time I spend solving crossword puzzles. I still have regular stomach pains but they are tolerable. I am presently studying books on nutrition which provide hints on why my digestion is causing stomach pains. I am still studying the context, the interpretation, the messages related to the discolorations on my legs, occasional knee problems, such as freezing-like condition when using escalators to go down.

I am learning from a lot of books. I am inspired by the thought that human beings are very self-correcting and self healing. The point is to remain where we are at the moment because that is where we get answers and solutions. This is true in my case. Whenever I revert to limiting beliefs and go into a round of fears, it never takes more than a few minutes before I realize what is happening. This works only if I don’t escape. This works only if I choose to face my demons right where I am. Sometimes I still scold myself but then I remember especially my Buddhist books’ reminder to be always gentle to myself. Lately a more potent dosage of this reminder has been reviewed in an elegant book of meditations by Mark Nepo.

Under the right conditions I can still be the best of what I have been meant to be. I propose to take care of myself first before I help others; I say this not from a narcissistic point of view. I intend to be true to myself without imposing myself on others but at the same time without my selling myself to the voice of the many. Like my Dad I start new things but fail to follow through. The improvement is now I have enough resources to execute my dreams but I need to sustain my motivation.

The medical profession has been offering a lot of suggestions but these issues are personal challenges to my pathway to wholeness and eventual union to the ONE. There were many times I wavered in frustration and in pain. I resorted to over-the-counter pain killers when reflexology or the other inner disciplines did not work fast enough. But as a rule when I backtrack and violate my invitro program for abundance, my body reacts to the lie and I die a little. It is as though life itself is withdrawn from me. I seem to relate with Superman who is weakened in the presence of Krypton. I am neither Superman nor a superwoman but it is true that I can only thrive in an environment that allows me to honor my nature. I have a natural aversion towards rules I can’t relate to. This is ironical to many who knew me during my younger years – years of painful compliance and submission.

I intend to remember this lesson from life. I know that the situations and the cast of characters may change but the cycle will continue to recur until I have learned whatever I have to learn.