I achieved goals but I was often too exhausted to enjoy what I had done. I looked for what was next, never what was right in front of me. It was no fun. That was Maria Nemeth. The above statement echoed what Emil used to remind me when I was in depression. “You solve one problem and immediately look for another.”
I should have learned: observe mental states without identification with them, without going into the urgently felt need to express them, but also just as important without repressing them and instead merely getting to know them as they are. In other words, just observe my thoughts.
But what a waste of time. The urge was to fix things right away.
Apparently nothing is happening in my life since I don’t have a paying job anymore. This was how I was made to understand life; I still subscribed to the dictum of: “by the sweat of thy brow”.
It is as if I haven’t learned the updated version of the Eden story. It is back in my childhood years when I was struggling with my dysfunctional family. Memories that need healing. Continue reading
