On a rainy afternoon, from the thirty seventh floor the surface of the sea behind the Film theater on Roxas Boulevard reminds me of the designs on the froth of the coffee prepared at Prince Café. The designs on both the sea and the coffee stay firm for quite some time, not a quiver. Then as if directed by an unforeseen conductor the surface moves.
I would like to believe my mind has been like the surfaces of the sea and the coffee lately. Often especially just before I drift off to sleep at night my mind takes on a placid state like a skating rink. Then characters appear on the surface in dreams and sometimes nightmares. Lately what I fear I can’t accomplish in life I am able to complete in my dreams.
“Life is full of possibilities if we are willing to see them, just as when we learned to drive a car and broadened our horizons.” I have learned that the hardest walls to climb are those conceived through fears; it’s as though my whole being is paralyzed, unable to move even when I can see a clear path. There is only one path yet I just can’t make the necessary move to choose to will my body to move. There is no outside pressure because I know I’m all alone with my Creator yet I don’t have the strength to will a move.
It was such a breakthrough for me. When Emil asked me to visit his MBA class I matter-of-factly agreed. After all I was his co-facilitator for a little more than three years. I prayed over it for around three days. Early in the morning after prayers I had a change of mind. It didn’t feel good to me. I asked to be excused from visiting his class.
For months since I stopped being with Emil in his De la Salle classes I have been feeling a new sense of freedom. I have been enjoying the life of a truly adult Catholic as per the learnings from Br. Andrew’s Adult Faith. As an adult I could make a choice not to do what my husband asked me to. After all it was not a matter of life and death. It was such an innocent invitation. But then I had yet to distinguish between obedience to one’s husband under pain of sin and mere compliance. At age sixth-eight it was time to break free! I had a choice; I chose not to comply with the request of my husband.
In our classes the students got a taste of how it is for a married couple to hold divergent points of view and still stay married – with love and respect. Yet there are untold stories to be told. An introvert like me can go through agonizing hours trying to rehash arguments that don’t ring true to my stricter code of ethics. Emil usually does not know about the hours I spend trying to silence my Monkey Mind. He has grown accustomed to my bravado in the classroom.
To illustrate. In our classes I can be overly conscientious about attendance, deadlines, substance in class participation etc. I meticulously compute the scores for my portion of the grades. My husband has his very own record keeping procedures but I suspect he relies more on his gut feel, impression and especially his years of experience as a trainor in business groups. Needless to say , with his humor he is definitely more marketable than I am.
The breakthrough is in the realization that comparison has never been a life-giving tool in relationships. I have grown in the realization that marketability is never a good gauge of the value of the contributions of a partner to a marriage . I have realized that the Introvert’s attention to details must be fine-tuned to focus more on the positive details; from experience I have learned that it is better to tip the scales more on the positive. Life has a way of balancing and subtracting the excess.
To my disappointment, there was no thunder or lightning after I announced to Emil that I won’t attend his class. He readily agreed. He wasn’t even interested in my justifications. Once again I realized I usually allow my Money Mind to create problems where there should be none.
After a while I had to convince myself I was free. I had to give myself a pep talk. I had to make sure my psyche got the good news if only to prevent stressful emotions to tighten my muscles especially in the stomach as well as in the neck. I had to directly talk to my knees and to my feet so as not to send messages of fear to them.